Holidays

Had a birthday. Saw Avatar.Christmas eve was very nice. I played a game to see what everyones favorite traditions were. We then added a new one of reading the Christmas story out of the Bible. We read it at Church but it was nice reading it together as a family. Christmas dinner at J Ls Thirty five people including this interesting family from Ireland. Afterward the kids and I went to Sherlock Holmes. That is a new favorite of mine. I will be seeing it for my third time tomorrow. I'm fascinated with this movie.

My favorite moment leading up to Christmas was the night the young adults came to sing Christmas Carols to me. My son and his girlfriend was in the group. They were being pulled around in a wagon by the Church leaders in their car. Then I was presented with a poinsettia Christmas flower. The spirit of Christmas was with me. Sweet.

i won't take this for granted

I tutored today. All went well. These evening I went to the Relief Society Christmas Party. Its the women's group for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints. Some people call us Mormons. I myself thought Mormons were the name of the church till I started going to this Church. The party was fun. About one hundred people there. They gave us dinner. Cordon Bleu Chicken. Also peppermint ice cream with fudge. Cindy Standage's band played for us. She is getting quite famous now. She is always in a show somewhere. I was most happy when she played Silent Night at the end and we all sang along. I think I could be going to something almost every night sponsored by my Church. Its a busy place. Its saved me. I was alone so much during my illness that I was starting to be fearful of people. But now I'm beginning to find myself loving others. And serving others. And most importantly letting others serve me.
Tonight I was able to get C. a couple of presents. One is for his birthday on Friday. Same birthday as me. : )
I got him a Bible for his birthday. He's been interested in the King James version of the Bible. We have been looking up passages on line. He will like it. For a Christmas present I bought him the book "German in Twenty Minutes A Day". He wants to learn German since his ancestors are from German and Prussia. We checked out Russian but he decided German was easier. J. wants to go to Paris in January so I'm going to get her "French in Twenty Minutes A Day". I have Spanish in twenty minutes a Day. Its a well planned out program to learn the basics of a language.

Rewarding

I tutored J. for a couple of hours today by skype. I had a couple of hours break. Then I tutored C. for another two hours. It was intense. Also rewarding. Two months ago I could never have imagined that I could work with this intensity. I'm feeling very grateful.

Good thing didn't last

I had to teach the Sunday School lesson today. I didn't prepare too well yesterday so I didn't sleep at all last night. I forced myself up and prepared for the lesson. I had to make some dough for them to make a object out of. I had them each make the most precious object they had and then Had them come up in front of the class and show it to all of us. I then asked if i could borrow or play with the object. I then destroyed it or hide it while telling them I lost it. The point of the lesson was how we feel bad if others mistreat or steal things of ours. That is why we don't do it to others. It was fun with lots of laughing and drama. We then went to sharing time. That is the hour we do lots of singing with the other classes. I was surprised when they called me up to sing happy birthday to me. I forgot its almost here.
I went home and almost crawled back into bed. The Bishop's Counselor "and friend" came by with his three little children to sing a Christmas song to me. He gave me a Christmas card that had gift cards inside. I didn't open it till he left. I'm so thankful. I feel so blessed.
Then at seven I went to Debbies for dinner. There were lots of families there from Oaxaca Mexico. Good food, good company. After dinner, we all sang around the piano. The son is fantastic. He told me he has youtube vidos. I'll have to look it up later. He is like a concert pianist. Also his brother played violin. It was so beautiful. We all sang "I am a Child Of God" in Spanish to Ruben and Rosario. I just hummed along since I didn't have a hymn book in Spanish.
Its late and I hope I can sleep well tonight. Goodnite

Thurs

I was kinda lazy today. I did tutor a student that lives by my home. Only an hour.After the session I visited with the family. I became better friends with her Mother. She is mother of four. She fed me dinner. It was a yummy hamburger. She had delicious asparagus she grilled. And a squash dish. All was so good.
I had another night of not being interrupted and waking. How nice is that? Very nice. Still have the breathing issue. I breath and breath then I just breath very hard like I'm trying to catch my breath. Its very strange. I've had some serious problems this last year. I've fixed most of them. I know what to do for them all. Finally moving on. This breathing issue is the last one I have to fix. Hurray!
I'm finally learning to love what I have and be happy.

end of day

I taught J. by skype. It went well. I went to Walmart and got dry erase markers for my white board. It was so simple. I could do this every day. Thinking of going to Texas to see my doctor. Now I can work while I'm away.
Now I'm going to try to sleep. Lets see if I sleep through the night again. Last night was weird ...in a good way..of course.

Slept well?

I woke up and noticed immediately I had been asleep through out the night. What is this? Could this be what humans call a nights sleep?By the way...I am human. I'm also feeling well rested. Very foreign feeling for me. I don't know how to react to normalness.It is weird but kinda nice. I could get use to this. Yes. Its very nice.
J. will skype me this afternoon for a math lesson. This should be interesting. Teaching online is becoming the new trend. If I can swing it I can have students from anywhere. Even other planets. Oh maybe not that. Not yet.

Things are looking up

Had a hard time sleeping like usual. Not comfortable....thats all.Everynight I feel like I have been in a bad car accident and all my muscles are feeling it. I have been in lots of car crashes so I know the feeling well. I feel embarrassed that I'm having such a difficult time. I know their are others that might now even have a bed that are sick. I'm going to start my new year ...and I mean starting now....becoming more grateful. Even at times of adversary. Life is short and I must do all I can. Its easier saying this now that the headache from hell is gone. I suffer from migranes time to time but this one was different and really terrible. And my usual pill cocktail didn't touch it. I now believe it was a sinus headache. I finally discovered drinking hot herbal sleep type tea and taking a hot bath helped the most. Today its completely gone along with the rain.

The sun was out this morning. The air was cold. I tried to eat outside but couldn't do it. Too cold. What a baby I am.I was going to tutor my new student today. Then J called and needed math help. Since she was in California, we skyped. It was so fun to see her and help her with her math. I saw her mother (she is like a sister to me) I asked her to sing me a couple of lines from Oliver ...the play she is in this week. It was darling. "Consider yourself...party of the Family....da da da" We will be having a learning session tomorrow afternoon. Also C. called and needed me. I went to his home after my other student that was originally scheduled. So I had all three of them today. Wow. No problem. Thankful that I can preform my teaching. My memory is coming back. My mind is getting sharper and clearer. Now if my body could also function better. One thing at a time. Oops...I was trying not to complain anymore.
Although I wasn't really complaining. Just wishing and hopeing. Future is bright.

Today, rainy Monday

Its been raining all day. So unusual for Phoenix. So its feeling like Christmas without snow. I woke up with very bad headache. The same one I'd had since Sunday.I did everything I could. The hot herbal tea helped the most. I can to the conclusion it was a sinus headache. When I got to C house to tutor, his mom said she and C. had the same headache. He was trying to hurry to a Christmas concert he was in. He wanted me to go to the concert so I went for part of it. It was nice visiting with C. mom before concert started. I then went to a Church gathering where they were exchanging very funny presents. Everyone brought a gift and picked a number to find the gift for them. I ended up getting a couple of gifts at the end from others that didn't want theirs. So I ended up with two candy dishes, one Christmas dishrag, a box of candy.
I'm trying to sleep now. I couldn't My throat is sore, my ears hurt, and I feel like I've been hit by a train. Although the headache is at bay. Why can't I just feel healthy and fall asleep one night. Oh the joy that would bring. I had a terrible night last night with that headache from hell. Ice, hot bath, I tried it all. Now I have no headache, but other places hurt. I feel like I need to be in a hospital at times. A nice hospital with a private room.
It looks like it may turn into a sunny day tomorrow. I will post if my pain is better when I get sun. I've been forgetting my vitamen D from time to time. I need to stay consistent.

Sunday yes!

This morning I still felt frustrated. I got myself up. Had a cup of sleepytime tea while taking a hot bath. It calmed me. I had a headache from the night before. Lucky that Cheryl was teaching our Sunday School class today, so I didn't have to prepare the lesson. I got myself ready.When I got to Church they were blessing a baby so I wasn't late for sacrament. I sat by Polly and Brad. The first Sunday of every month is fast and testimony meeting. Everyone is invited to give their testimony. I had decided last night to give mine. Polly wanted to give hers also. Polly has trouble walking. She is older and has had health issues. We both gave our testimonies. I wanted everyone to know how a miracle happened to me. After the death of my husband 24years ago, I had a difficult time on Christmas. My family was broken. I didn't like to go shopping for presents.All I saw were happy couples shopping. My heart was broken. I was taking the gospel lessons from the missionaries during this period. Just before Christmas a knock was at the door. It was the young girls from the Church. The teenage girls. They were with some adult women leaders. they wanted to come in and sing to me. They came in with food for my Christmas dinner.They sang carols to me and my children. That was like a magical moment of time. I saw them as angels. I felt their love. It transformed my way of thinking of Christmas. I was no longer a young widow but I was a young widow loved by my Father in Heaven. Christmas has since been a time of recognizing where I came from and appreciating the Saviors birth. Knowing I can once again live with my Heavenly Father someday. It was a transformation for my spirit at that time. I was never again sad at Christmas. Now I love the season. Thinking of that moment still touches my heart to this day.

After the testimonies of the other (which were very good), I went to the Sunday School Class I teach with Cheryl. I just sat among the kids (8year olds) and listened to the lesson. It was a remarkable lesson and meant for me. It amazes me how much I learn each Sunday. It edifies my soul to make it to the next Sunday. I think I appreciate it more then others since I didn't attend Church for many many years till I attended the LDS Church. I never missed another Sunday since, even when traveling I always look up the LDS Church where I am and attend. I remember the first day I came to the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" Sunday meeting with my little children. The three of us felt the spirit. The children told me in their own way. I went to the meetings for over a year before I became a member. I wanted to make sure this was right and good. I have never been disappointed in my decision and my extended family have also been supportive of this even though they themselves are not members.
As I came home today, . my son was getting ready for his Church meetings. Still the LDS church but, he attends the singles ward for young adults. I said hi with a sheepish smile. he did the same. we gave each other a hug. I told him I loved him. He did the same. Last night was only had a misunderstanding. That seems to always be the case. I wish now that I hadn't become so upset and emotional. Oh well. It happens to the best of us sometimes. We all make mistakes. Forgive quickly is the key.

Hope

I had a good morning at the pancake Christmas breakfast. helped serve and visit. I thought i had a productive day. I wanted so badly to do something fun.The afternoon was quiet. I don't want to feel so lonely. I went to get some food. I didn't go to a movie. I really wanted to be around people. Called a couple of friends. Didn't work out to do something with them.
My son and I had a argument. He thinks I eat badly and that why I'm sick. I think I limit my sweets, no smoking or drinking alcohol. Not good enough. That brought my mood down to below zero. I cried quite a bit.
Feeling fat, feeling sick, feeling hopeless, feeling very lonely.
Then remembering I'm a daughter of God, feeling more attractive, feeling hopeful, feeling loved by God.
Remembering others are not perfect, we must continue to love others even we are feelings are hurt.
We must not give up hope. Hope is the perfect love of Christ.

three steps back

Last night I had my all over pain return. I woke in the night. My mind woke first and I was trying to scream...like a nightmare. I couldn't move. I tried to move but was frozen and I hurt all over. Lots of extreme pain. Its seems like a long time but I'm sure it was only about ten seconds. I shook myself awake. Jumped out of bed and immediately got some pain meds. I played backgammon on the computer till I felt the med take the edge off. I have been slowing down on my supplements. I had been thinking the thyroid fixed me and just slowed down on the others. So tonight I'm adding my supplements back in. I feel like every extra dollar I get goes to pills. Its better then it was last summer. I have some spare money in the bank, enough for gas and pills. And a "In and Out" hamburger now and then. I know struggles are good for us in the end. So here I am in the storm.
Tonight I'm desperate for relief. I may have to take a lyrica. Its a wonderful drug for the pain. The problem is in the morning I'll be dizzy till afternoon.
Its times like this that makes me wonder if I would feel better to have a husband sleeping next to me. When I was married a few years ago, I sleep well during that year. I felt safe. Who knew I was sleeping with the devil at the time. If you knew this person and his actions....you'd agree with this conclusion. I know God is the final judge. He will be accountable for his actions. That is worse then my health struggles. I'm really trying to have a good relationship with my children. During tx it was damaged by my personality changes from the drugs I was given. I'm so thankful that has been mended. Although it takes mending now and again throughout our lives. We all go through this. We want to love unconditionally and thats difficult at times. My personality is mostly back the way it was. I still have times of sensitivity like when I was on treatment. I can now recognize it and see it coming. I'm learning how to adjust my thought process when that happens. I have to see things in a positive way instead of getting ogged down in negative thinking. I think this happens to many after the hep c treatment. Its a wonder we make it through. We will survive and live through the storm to see the sunny days ahead. Its a matter of seeing the wonder of life and loving it.


Just need to add this.. My son just came in from a night out. I'm still up at 2:30 am. I told him about pain return. I told him about my mind waking last night before I could move. He told me he gets that time to time. Its a normal medical condition. Once you understand its normal you don't fight it and it won't frighten you. So thats helpful.
I took my lyrica. It should help me have a good pain free night of sleep. At least the lyrica nights are fewer and fewer then they were last summer. Its progress with three steps back now and then.

slowly improving

I have another student. So that makes three nights a weeks. Its amazing how my mind is thinking clearly. How I love teaching. My other student is still in California doing rehearsals. I would love to see the musical she's in. She is artful Dodger in Oliver. I'm working on finding a way to get there. My son may be able to get away for a night to drive me there....five hour drive. We'd see the play and drive back the next day. I don't know when she'll be my student again. When she will be back in Arizona. Hopefully soon. She may be hosting a children's tv show. She has talent and the drive. She will be doing many projects.
C is a wonderful student. He is so smart. He is a genius in history, governments, understanding current events. His Dad is running for political office. I expect him to win. Very nice family.
My new student is a girl. I was a bit nervous first meeting her. I was prayerful before I got to her home. The game I found on line was perfect for her. She is fun and happy. She is having some trouble with math, but I see potential to do well with a little extra help.
I know eventually I will need more work or a different job.A full time job. Right now with my health concerns, this is perfect. I'm praying that I'll get my strength back.
I'm leaning towards doing educational evaluation and consulting.

I'm still weak but gaining strength. I'm hoping the thyroid meds will continue to help me. Right now, I'm grateful. A month ago I couldn't get out of bed till afternoon. Now I can get up in the morning. How can these little pills help so much? I've come to love these pills and will never go without again.

the climb is getting easier

I think the thyroid meds are working. I took a walk three days in a row. I have the normal pain from exercise...not the terrible all over pain that I once had. I'm waking earlier in the morning. Not waking exhausted. How can a simple little pill help so much? I'm not going to get too excited. I need to see this working for a time. For now, its progress.
I'm keeping this blog to write everything down. I'm now concerned with my cough and breathing difficulties. When I'm talking, I become out of breath easily. While walking, I try to breathe deeply. After my walks, I cough a bit. This may be some kind of healing mechanism the body produces.
I'm not complaining. I just want to keep this written record. It could help someone else.

Amazing....its working

I'm feeling better and better. I've found a new love. It my thyroid medicine. It is called C (for compounded) Thyroid USP caps. Even though I've looked back on my blood work and it is in the normal range. it doesn't matter. Maybe in five years the medical professionals will decide the tests were flawed and the normal ranges will change. There are some progressive doctors that do go by a different range and your symptoms. A friend of mine was in town for holidays and wanted to meet me for a walk.early in the morning yesterday. I did it. I warned her I may have problems.I didn't. The only problem I still have is my shallow breathing. She told me how to breath deep. Its good for your health. After the walk...about an hour, I coughed up lots of fleam. I'm sure the walk was good. I got lots done yesterday. We had a kava party at our house last night. My kids saw lots of the old friends in town for the holidays. It was nice to feel human and almost normal.
We had Thanksgiving with my husbands brother and sister. It was a very good day. Lots of good food.Good conversation. Cowboys won the football game. Although that isn't as important as it once was. Relationships are what matters. It takes so much to fix them when they have broken. My husbands brother and sister was one of those that broke years ago. It was a big step to be invited and to accept this invitation to dinner. It was a wonderful day. .

Much to be thankful for.

Almost Thanksgiving

I'll note that the thyroid med is helping. This is a tricky subject. My test results are normal for thyroid. But the spot in my neck is a big larger. I have the symptoms for hypothyroidism. Which mimic fibromyalgia and depression. I began taking some of my old thyroid med. The Armour thyroid. This company is on back order for this medicine. Its not FDA approved. It has been used for over a hundred years, so they gave it Grandfather drug status. It contains T3and T4. The synthetic thyroid the doctors normally give has only ^T4. There is controversy over this. I prefer the natural thyroid. Since the Armour Thyroid is on back order, my pharmacy is making compounded pills. They are getting the thyroid and putting it in capsules. If anyone reading this is curious go to Stop the thyroid madness web site.

I am feeling so much better. Each day I have more and more energy. I'm feeling human again. I can't understand why the medical community doesn't understand this. Maybe if I went to a specialist I would have been prescribed this. My doctor wanted me to take the synthetic thyroid. I had to talk him into letting me try this. It takes a prescription so I needed his approved. I'm not going to get too excited...just in case I rebound. But I have a feeling this will continue to work for me. I've woken up earlier the last two mornings feeling well. Its so strange because I've been so accustomed to being exhausted when I woke.
I've gotten lots done. I've put up my Christmas trees. One in the living room and the one downstairs with family ornaments...kid ones. I've done lots of errands the last couple of days. I tutored my student yesterday. We didn't have a lot of homework. He is interested in family history so we did some searching on the internet. His grandparents were visiting so they were helpful for this project. Its great this boy has love for his family history at such a young age. The best place to look is ancestry.com but I think you need to pay. They may be somethings you can search for free.

Slidding into a black hole

I had a terrible week. I' weak. All week, weak. All week long my legs and body hurt. I was emotional. Very tender hearted. My friend that is a massage therapist told me she knew I had fibromyalgia.She could tell within a few seconds. Not so fast. I looked up fibromyalgia and other things that mimic this. I found out hypothyroid is one. I haven't had my thyroid meds since August. I was on a low dose. I was taking Armour thyroid. The company stopped sending the meds to pharmacy's. I didn't want to take another kind. The compounded one was too expensive. That means back in August I stopped taking it cold turkey. So now I need to level out my thyroid. I called the compounding pharmacy. Armour is still on back orders. They have a better price for a 100 day supply. So I'll get that one.
I looked back on my blog from August. I was playing tennis and doing yard work. Much more then I can handle now. So glad I'm keeping a blog. I can look back on it. I'm sure they thyroid meds will help me. To a point. After I get to a better place, I need to see my doctor in Texas.
Today, I decided I need to thank God for everything. So I even thanked him for my illness. Afterwards I feel a weight off my shoulders. Its like I've given up this problem to him. I've come out of denial to say "I know I have a problem I can't fix by myself", "Help me now" This afternoon I discovered the thyroid issue. One step at a time. Fibromyalgia may still be an issuse. Maybe not. Only time will tell.
I am sorry to my blog readers not to have interesting things to say. it seems no progress. But there will be progress and good days ahead. Just check back. I hope one day to say....oh I met the greatest guy.....blah blah blah.

baby steps

Two walks today. Once morning and once night. Plus some jumping jacks on tramp. I like this

Flu

My son was sick again today. I think he has what I had. It could be the swine flu. It did last for about a month in my case. The worse part of this flu is that it wipes you out. No energy. Its like tx again. Only half as bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to begin exercise. Its too bad the weather is too cold for swimming. Its my favorite exersise and tones completely. I will start with simple exercises on the trampoline.
My potential renter decided she wasn't ready to move away from her family. I understand. I'm hoping my sons friends will move in. I love have young people around. They have a positive prospective of youth.that balances out my cautious nature. We shall see. Each day I put myself in Gods hands. One day at a time.

After this post I decided to go for a walk. It waa about 8 Pm. My Ipod was charged up and ready. It was wonderful to feel energy returning. Afterwards I said a prayer thanking God for my strength and health.

I'm just saying.....

Its been two nights in a row that im getting the all over muscle pain. I have quit taking the magnisium for the past few days due to stomach problems for a couple of weeks. Looks like that was not caused by the magnisium but by the flu. What this says to me is my body needs the magnisium. It unlocks the muscles. I suppose it is like a all over muscle spasm. That may be what the medical community is calling fibromyalgia. I prefer calling it "my body needs extra magnisium syndrome" Not complaining. I'm not doing that anymore. ha yeah. Really, I'm trying not to do that. I'm just keeping a complete record of what I take or don't take compared with problems i'm having. I think this is working.

car

Today I once again felt fine. I got some family history finished on ancestry.com. I decided to tackle the car issue. Its been turning off at idle if I turn the air off. I think this may be intencinal. I have extra carbondioxcide coming from the muffler. I finally took it to a dealership. He tool me to be careful in the garage. It was dangerous. This has been happening since last year. So here I've been having fumes coming in my car. Now I run it with the inside air only pushed on.And the windows up. And the air on. If the car had not turned off at idle with out the air on, I could be really sick. So now I have an estimate for the repair. I have to wait awhile. Its an annoyance.I'm just thankful for tender mercies. Thankful my car would stall without the air on. This may have saved me from an emergency room visit.
I had to return some jeans to the Charity shope. They were too big. How nice was that? Happy that I'm smaller then I thought.Couldn't find jeans but found a darling blazer and cord pants. Very sharp for work.
My son is getting sick. Just like me. Has the sore throat, headache, sleep all day. Now I don't feel so guilty. I don't know why I feel guilty when I'm ill. I think it was because I was ill so much with the hep-c. Being a single mom, I had no one else to take over those days. So glad the kids where strong and healthy themselves. Another tender mercy. There are all around when we look for them.

Another day of feeling a 7 in 1-10 Happy days!

Another good day. Went to Tutor C. He is doing so well in Math. I'm scared I'll lose my job. I mentioned that when his mom looked online to see his new scores. She told me "NO NO We need you." He has gone from a F to a C. His new papers are A's. I'm so happy. I couldn't accept anything less. I've always be like that with my own kids with Math.
They didn't have a problem since I tutored them at the crucial years. I feel that is age 10-13. That is when you must Keep them or you can lose them.

I had a job possibility come my way this morning but I haven't heard back after leaving a message. Tomorrow I'm sending my resume to the schools that asked if I could sub teach. Im feeling more and more confident. I may even gain enough strength to be a full time teacher. That will be wonderful. I love teaching. I remember when I was a little girl. We had a building on our acreage that had a chalk board in it. I had my dolls sitting and watching me teach them what I learned in school. What a strange fantasy to have. Nothing to do with fame. Just teaching my "students" Math.

JL wants me to come to LA and stay with her and J. for a few days. I'd get a tutor session in. I may do it.C. had wed off for Veterns Day. So no homework for me.

I'm very thankful to God for my health coming back. I want to do more to show my thankfulness. "Do unto others you do unto Me" That is what Jesus says. So I'm trying to be a happier, more cheerful, person to others. I bought a big bag of candy post Halloween. Very Cheap. I have been giving out kitkat bars and reeses to drive through workers when I go on a errand. To thank them for working and always being there for me. Its been fun. I always like to see them smile when I pull one out to hand to them.

Angels around us

I woke up late as usual. Got to Church on time for Sacrement meeting. Afterwards the primary (under age 12) stayed in the Chapel for rehearsal for next Sundays Program.
I was called to teach the eight year olds about six weeks ago. When ever I get a calling, its just the right place for me. The leaders pray for guidence and call those they feel promted to call for each position. My Church is all volunteer. No one, not even the leadership is payed. I haven't had a position for a long time. Not since I began treatment for hcv.
Day was so lovely. The songs the children have learned are so beautiful. The words, the melody. As I took in the moment, I knew God lives, and Jesus lives. My relationship with my savior has been personal. Its brought me much simple peace in a world with complications. I have not always had this. So now that I do, its precious to me.
When I came home, I cooked dinner. A pot of chili. I cleaning my nightstand. I cleaned the dishes and counters. The health was back. My nightstand had so much dust. Its an embassesment even it no one sees it but myself. I've been so unwell. I don't like living like this. There is no one to help me, so I have to live like this. The days, like to day, I feel so happy to clean. Simple pleasure. Its a pleasure thoses that are sick for a lengthy time, who begin to have health, understand. Its when you feel alive again. I'm learning to be guarded about the days ahead. If I'm feeling good, they I'm thrilled. If I expect it, I may have great disappointment. These are the times, I would love my Mom here. She would clean for me and take care of me. It is an extra burden of stress when you have a unorganized environment. It stresses me. I'm grateful today was a good day.
I do want to add, I went to my Churches Single Conference last night. It was a dance. I danced. It was wonderful. I think I danced like a crazy woman that doesn't get out much. After six dances I was finished. Saw some friends. I talked to them. So I'm feeling better.

Another day brighter

Wow. Something is working. It must be the prayers. I'm getting a cough. That is what happens when you stop antibiotics before its finished. I don't care. I can handle it now that my fatique is leaving. I took some buffered C. I went out and pickup up the limes from my tree. I made some limeade. Now I know it wasn't in my head. It wasn't depression. We all doubt at times. I am beginning to think it was my thyroid. Now I'm on a strict regiment. I'm going to take everything I"m taking now. Its working. I don't care if I'm not a size four. As I feel better every day, the weight will go off naturally. I hope everyone reading my blog will not give up on good health. Life is beautiful on the good days. We must accept the bad ones. I am sorry I've been such a complainer. It may have been wiser to keep a personal journal instead of a public one. But if it helps someone, it is better this way. I'm sorry to sound as if I'm complaining much of the time. I just need to keep a record of my health. I've finally come to many conclusions. From kitkat (a physian that had hep-c treatment).Interferon hurts many systems in the body. Along with bone lose, muscle wasting, brain shinkage (and seritonin levels way off). If you take care of this with the right supplements and diet, its all reversible. I was hasty, I wanted to just move on with my life. My body didn't allow it.
I also discovered that I still have fibrosis and this will take about five years to reverse. I must still be aware of supplement or meds that hurt my liver. Doctors are not trained in the area of post treatment. I hope my blog can help someone. I finished tx August 2008. Its just been a year and 2 months. It I only knew then what I know now. I would have prepared this. I hope now I can be a help for others.

Its amazing, I'm feeling better

Wow. I don't know what is kicking in. Maybe its the synthyroid I started back up on. Or the co q10 I recently began after rereading kitkats post treatment supplement list. What ever it is, I'm very pleased. My mood is bettr, energy level is up. Although I am feeling somewhat short of breath. I'm lying in bed and short of breathe. That is another interferon related after side. Its reversable with time. All of this is. If someone had said your treatment will really take five years includeing post tx, I would have been more mentally prepared for the long run. Oops, sounds like i'm complaining again. I'm trying to change my attitude. That will change my destiny. Charting a new course.

I got up to get a bit to eat. I didn't want to open other can of chicken soup. I havent had the energy to get food or prepare it. So I finally went out. I was going to Pei Weis to get soup but decided I wanted pizza. I got a five dollar pizza at little caesars. it was so good I ate three pieces.

keeping this blog

I'm glad I'm doing this. Gives me hope. I feel horrible the last few days. I can't get out of bed. I wish someone would bring me food. Looking back, I've had good days. I can read it on my blog. Its evidence. I think my problem may be the after effects of the anti d I tried (stupid me) ...and stopped or the virus / bac.. infection I had..whatever the doctor gave me anti biotics for. Having a low grade fever. Just yuck. I'm trying to be positive but I feel really bad. Everyday I say tomorrow I'll be well. I hope tomorrow I'll be well. Tomorrow is the day. Yes. i will be good tomorrow. It will be a wonderful Sat. I'll get lots done. I will go to the Temple.Tomorrow will be a wonderful day. Can't wait to write tomorrows events on my blog so everyone knows I'm a capable, healthy person.

If anyone thats my friend in the area reads this, please bring me a healthy salad. Thank you. : )

Answers today

My eyes are feeling better. Not so dry. I'm surprised the supplement worked so quickly. It was suppose to take weeks to notice. Very happy. This has gone on since my treatment began. I'm very happy about this. Dry, burning eyes have been so annoying. Thank you omegas.

I saw Suzanne Summers on the news. She talked about natural supplements. I really believe in this. I looked on her web site. She had doctors from all areas linked to it. I found one in Mesa. I called and left a message. On the call back I found out my ins doesn't cover this doctors procedure. The doctor told me that hep-c is a very bad virus and I am certain to still need liver cleansing, even though the virus has cleared. Wow. That makes sence. You know when you hear the truth and you feel a shiver. I know this is the root of my problem. Still the liver. Wow. Its a relief to know what is wrong. Not depression, not fibromyalgia, its liver disease. That is it. Simple.
I can't believe I have to talk to myself bla bla bla..... (although I have a few followers) to discover this. Its been a search for honest answers about my health.

The osteoporosis was a diversion. I fixed it with supplements. My back doesn't hurt nearly as often.Yey! The menopause was a diversion. The natural hormones are working wonders. The minerals I'm taking for osteoporosis are working for my all over pain (fibromyalgia?). So I am crossing off fibromyalgia. I don't have it. Depression? I am not depressed. I'm just fatigue from the liver disease. That causes some mild depression. Brain fog? liver disease. So I cleared the viruse. My liver had scaring and inflamation from the virus. That doesn't automaticly go away after clearing. It takes time. As I've watched my liver blood levels to be normal, I thought my liver was normal.
But no. When you know what is wrong, you can work on that area. I can pray for my liver to get well.
Its a process. Please message me if anyone else has heard about continued liver detox after clearing the virus. Im very interested.

Tonight I had a wonderful session as a tutor. I brought candy (smarties) and change. I taught his Math lesson for tomorrow. He won't have me tomorrow so I have him prepared. It was learning about fractions. The candy and money kept his attention. This parent is prepared with a dry erase board. I love teaching at their home. I feel like I'm playing...(Here you be the student and I'll be the teacher) Fun. I love Math. I love fractions. We are getting into the good stuff. It was wonderful night. His Math scores are up(Thank goodness..Rome wasn't built in a day) and everyone is happy. My self esteem is up along with my student. He is now finally feeling like he is good in Math. Now I'm ready to pray for more students.

I'm back

I'm reminding myself never to take welbutrin again. It was like a bad LSD trip? Maybe? I was revved up, shaking, couldn't focus. I had to resort to sleeping pills to sleep. My secret purpose for taking it was to lose weight. These pills kick up the metabilisum. Also I thought since I'm not working full time then I must have a depression problem. I begin doubting myself all the time.
I didn't do well with the Math problems last week with the boy I tutored. By the weekend, I felt my life was hopeless. I stopped the pills on Sat. Monday I went to the tutor session. Today I found out we got a hundred percent on the homework grade for the math homework yesterday. That was a relief. I can't afford to mess with these brain drugs.

It would have been great to lose thirty pounds. I'll find another way.
I have goals.

One osteoporosis........check.....I am taking supplements that I know are working
two Pain...fibromyalgia? check......I'm watching my stress level and other triggers. Magnesium is working
Three.....brain fog, dry eyes .....I bought some omega threes and V. E tonight.

difficult

I stopped the wellbutrin. Today I felt terrible. As if the world had gone grey. Its just getting my chemistry balenced. The wellbutrin made me shaky, nervous, had to take a sleeping pill every night. I learned a long time ago that meds are not good if it forces you to take more meds for sides. I finally called Joe and asked if I could do some data entry work for him. He is so nice. He always has work for me. I knew I needed to do something. I worked for him but the world still seemed gray. After some errands, I felt better. I went to Sprouts to get some yogert. While there I asked about omega threes and v. E. I knew I needed these

Tender mercies

I did my tutoring tonight. My student was so sweet. He told me he thought he could get me another student. If he does I need to buy him movie passes or something. I went visiting teaching afterwards. This is like the home teaching the men in my Church do. . Only this is what it is called for women.Visiting Teaching. And we always teach a short lesson. I went with my companion and we visit two women. We see if they have any needs. I also get a visit each month by two women who check on my needs. Everyone gets checked on this way. This time my companion told of a woman newly divorced is looking to rent. She doesn't want to be in an apartment. I got her number. We talked and she sounds wonderful. We'll meet tomorrow. . She started crying on the phone. She is going through a rough time. I mean a really rough time. We shall see.

Fountain of Youth

My home teachers were here. This is two men assigned from my Church to look after me. Everyone is assigned to someone and everyone has two home teachers assigned to them.
They were happy to hear about my tutoring. President C was very nice. He thinks I'll be fine. Just get a couple of more students and rent out my basement. That is doable. No problem. As my life progresses, doors will open. I am preparing now for the future me.
The lesson was this. There is no fountain of youth. God gives us youth one time. There is a fountain of truth. This is the fountain that gives lasting peace and happiness.
So much for my blog backwards aging. I will start a new one concerning this quest for the fountain of truth. This will be helpful to myself and my fellow readers. May we all fine our fountain of truth for lasting happiness.

What is wrong with me?

I can't believe I'm so happy to see the doctor. I will be worked in tomorrow with cindy. My sore throat is worse, Cough, and wiped out.The worse part of this. Now that I'm sick, everyone is telling get a job. I didn't stop crying to late yesterday. When I was asked, what is wrong with you. That did it. That was a flash back to hell.Tears came and came. I didn't have the ability to communicate. I've decided that others can't ever think I can be sick again. I've used up my sick leave. If I have to pretend all is good, then I have to pretend.

I'm actually thinking I might have the flu. I want to see what I'm dealing with. Taking another anti d. I really don't think I need one so much. I just want to lose weight.I have two pair of jeans, now one has worn out. I need to get into the smaller sizes. This anti d helps you lose weight and it may help with Adult ADD. I do struggle with that one. Wish I could see my ADD doctor. That is an old luxtury, I can't afford. This pill also causes sides. One is dry mouth. Its happening.Its terrible. Another side I'm concerned about is seizures. I had two bad ones years ago after my husband died.Once in a car accident. I blacked out, hit a car straight on. Didn't know what happened. Another while teaching preschool. Each time I woke in an ambulance not knowing my name or age. It was frightening. I had to take tegretal for a long time. Thats a terrible drug. At that time, I finally found a naturalpathic doctor in Texas that got me off all the drugs. He also got me off my thyroid meds. I have tried to see the same kind of doctor here. Each time I wasted money and was scammed. The day I get some extra money. I'm off to Texas to see him. His name is Dr Vonbergen and he is genius. If you live in Dallas, go to him. If you don't live in Dallas and you can afford to go to Dallas. Go to him. You will not be sorry.

With all these struggles, I God is with me, strengthening me. He is in charge and I need to let him be in charge.
I'm thankful for so many blessings.As I reflect, I have so much. Even the blessing of bad health. I will know the miracle when my health returns.. A couple of weeks ago, I received a Priesthood blessing for health. The next morning I was healthy. It was a miracle. Each day the same....a miracle. This went on for many days. Wake up feeling great, got lots done. I lost it after some time. But now I know what it will feel like when my health returns. Those that have that blessing don't know what they have, until its gone. Having good health is a beautiful thing.

follow up

Maybe I can get one of those jobs washing cars that the illegals were busted for. Talked about this in the last post. I wonder how much it pays. If I was younger and pretty, I could get good tips. I'm back to looking for a 8-5 job. Its a task. Should be an adventure but not feeling so well. I'm not having pain. That is good. My osteoporosis regiment is working. Glad I didn't take the doctors drug. Didn't need it. But I'm taking the anti d. I changed to Wellbutrin. I hope to lose weight. I've never had weight issues so this is a problem. I can't afford clothes that fit. I have enough for now. And next month I'll be a size smaller. I'm determined. I will be smaller. One thing at a time. I'm now working on focus. I'm playing games to help my mind. I've read that this can actually change brain scans. Playing brain challenging games. Tutoring is also helping with focus and memory. I feel this job is helping my health. My memory is returning. I love having the clarity when I am engaging with my student on a subject. I must admit, it was difficult at the beginning. Now my confidence has increased.

Last time posted, I was very happy. Very up beat. I had just made an appointment with a new student. Afterwards the student turned out to be wonderful. We work well together. I can see him as a great executive someday. Certainly a college graduate. I tell my students, I'm not a tutor....I'm really your educational assistant. They like the way that sounds. We work hard. We talk about what needs to be done and go about doing it. In the two hours I'm there, we work hard and quickly. This school gives so much homework. Tuesday we only did Math. Two hours of math problems. I made sure he knew his work, we did enough to test his memory then we cheated with the calculator. That was toward the end. This school is now pushing itself to compete with other top college prep schools in the area. This job really helped me feel good about my future.
So much for that. Now I face the reality of life. Get a real job. Its tough. I'm not feeling up to the task. I feel I've come so far yet not far at all. How can that be possible? A bit depressed today about the whole situation.

world gone mad ...sorry editing this once more

I see my congressman today. He is a friend. I ask him why he hasn't been on TV (I meant being the voice of ordinary people) He said he was on tv all week but most networks wanted to take about the island. I thought he must have meant Cuba. I looked on line for any video I could find of him. There he is shirtless on a beautiful island for a week as a fantasy get away. He is suppose to be alone on the island. Is he really, we all wonder. THAT is what he has been doing on TV. Talking about himself on this island? I haven't seen him on TV since I only watch the most popular clips from news shows on line. I guess his newclips weren't very popular. Who wants to hear about how he speared that fish, when we have serious issues facing our country. So that is my congressman in action. Weird. Maybe he'll pose in a calender next.....I'm just saying ....it could happen. No. Second thought. He's really not like that. He is a nice humble kind of guy.

Also I see Big bad Sheriff Joe has raided a car wash and arrested illegal immigrants washing cars for a living. Those bad people washing our cars! How dare they! It would be so nice to see Sheriff Joe's posies arresting gangs members or drug pushers. But no, he is always playing it safe. Next week it will be dead beat dads (Dads that aren't paying support to their children) getting arrested. Maybe the dead beat dads can wash cars and give the money to their children for support.
I feel like the world has gone Mad! I'm sure its been on the edge of madness for a while. I'm trying very hard not to read the news....its almost impossible. I love current events. I love politics. But till I'm stronger I must focus on beautiful positive lovely things and people .And those things are not being covered by the news media. That is what I love about Sunday. Going to Church where we can truly be edified of Spiritual things. I now teach the eight year olds. They were fantastic today. I'm having so much fun with them. Today we learned that being in Church on Sunday is time to listen to the speakers. After they listened to my lessons we had pretzels. Then we listened to this song and photos on my laptop.
I hope everyone reading this will watch this. Its so beautiful and so simple. Maybe this will link you to it on Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uSGSvKy6Io



I'm still feeling weak. Although I'm looking forward to my new student tomorrow. He is 11 years old. I hope we get along well. I want to help him get caught up with his school work. Its wonderful that J's school is recommending me as a tutor. I am much better prepared then I was several months ago.Much of the school work is online. Its so helpful for my lesson preparation.

been run down

I worked hard this last week. I tutored J for several days. she has gone to California for auditions.I'm feeling wiped out. I either have some strange virus, or just can't keep up after having tx. I had quit my thyroid meds. That is because they quit making Armour Thyroid. I don't like anything else. I got blood taken today to check out my thyroid and other blood work. Also started my regular med for hypothyroid. Tonight I gave in and took my anti ds. If I feel great in a couple of days I'll give credit to the lexapro. How could feeling so tired be tied to depression? We'll see. I should change the title of this blog. I was so positive I'd be feeling younger. Its not happening. Yet?

I have had some nice experiences this week. I will blog about it later when I feel stronger.

strange

I've been feeling strangely wonderful since Thursday. I"ve cleaned out papers and papers. Filing everything in my office and garage. I'm feeling focused. I've met some people lately from the past. For some odd reason, this has helped me. Helped me to go on to the future by being connected to the past. Does that make sense? It does to me.

Had a nice weekend.

Went to a party Sat night with my son. This party had guests invited that knew my husband that died. This was my sons father. He was only 2 when his father died.My daughter only a baby. It was nice for him to meet all his fathers friends. For them to see my son who is about the age his father was when last seen by most of these people. It was comforting for both of us to hear nice things about him. I miss my husband. Its bitter sweet going back to the past. Necessary part of moving forward. All happens for a reason at the time it happens. The people that are around you are not there by accident. We are there for the progression of each other.
Church was great. A boy spoke that just came back from his mission to Russia. He spoke of prayer. He reminded me to pray with intent of heart when I pray. To make my prayers more meaningful. Also to always have prayers of gratitude even for things that are hard. All in life is for our progression if we see it that way. It helps keep our minds in a positive light.

fifth day on anti ds

I think its the fifth or sixth day on anti ds. I'm calming down, not so stresses but my appetite has increased. I'm hungry all the time. I'm certain the anti ds do something to the appetite switch in your head. I hear the world has become obese. I wonder if its because so many are on anti'ds. I'd like to take a survy on how many that are obese are on anti-ds. Just look up anti-ds on this website.Or any drug. Its the patients rating drugs. Love it.
http://www.askapatient.com/rateyourmedicine.htm

Worked it out

Worked out my bill problem. As I talked to a new person, a smart person, no problem. A check is in the mail for the credit due. Why do I have to talk to so many people to finally get one to solve my problem? grr

Having a day with headaches, neck aches, shoulder aches. Just staying in side and hiding out. A bit of depression? I know I have lots to be thankful for but I just feel worn down today.

Four hours later.
Now its time for bed. I took a walk. I cleaned my room. So at least I feel I did something today. My pain is so much better then it was this morning. I am determined to make up for this tomorrow with a productive day. Maybe I needed this extra rest. I have been going full speed lately.

Insanity

Is anyone reading along of the insanity of me? Last night I had a sure pay check come in from the electric company. It wasn't suppose to since I canceled it last month. I am sending the payments in through the post office not Internet. Then I saved a bank fee for overdraft by getting a check from my son to cover it. This all happened after midnight. Today I had to sort it out. Still not sorted out. How can a simple mistake seem so big to me? Is it the ADD thing. Am I off task? I even tried to stay up till four AM to call the bank eastern time to sort it out since office closed till then. I gave up about twenty minutes before four. Then sleep till almost seven. Did I think to pray? I did but not as I should. Its much more effective to kneel by the bed and pray. I would have felt the calm but I didn't do it.
I may want to believe everything is back to normal after treatment but its not. It will be nice to see the doctor about the anti depressants that won't bring on the weight. This is not acceptable or healthy. I did yo yo back on anti ds last night and one tonight. Actually a quarter of a pill. Its needed. I must accept reality.

I am counting my blessings. Even with all the troubles, I'm so blessed. When I turn my mind to those things, I feel peace.

riding the wave called survival

I'm not on any anti ds. I think I feel better just taking them a couple of weeks. I'm sure anyone else may think that is strange. I like feeling as much as possible. I like feeling teary eyed when I'm grateful. I like feeling guilt when I need to correct something. I just had to use them when events were reaching a breaking point. I felt immediate relief. The Lexapro work very quickly for me. To be honest, I may take them now if I didn't gain a large appetite on them. I'm going to get thin and gorgeous someday in this coming year.

Ive been having a manic up week. Also had the downs. Up when I'm working and paid, down when an unexpected bill pops up. Feel like I'm treading water. Its trickle up poverty. I heard that phrase used and it fits the economic times we are in. This is how the government is helping, by taking any of the wealth left to do important business like sale new cars. I know that is old news. But it still bothers me. If I had money for a new car, I won't need help from the government. I'd go in and haggle with the dealer and certainly get the same deal the government would get me. I could go on but I don't want to have negative thoughts. Takes too much energy.

The Internet service was turned off for a few days. Helped me not knowing what is going on in the news. Better to have a rest with all of that. Also allowed me to write more of my fictional stories. I sat here with my laptop without anything to read on it so just started writing my stories. It was fun. Love expression through the written word.

I'm so tired now. Have to sleep now. Goodnight

headaches

My headaches are getting worse again. I'm also hungry all day long. Realizing its the anti ds, I'm stopping them again. Its too bad since my mood has been happy, happy, joy, joy.
I'll just have to watch myself. I love this webpage I've found. http://www.askapatient.com/rateyourmedicine.htm
I can look up most drugs to see how the patients rate them. If I need anti ds in the future, I'm going to try wellbutrin. The wellbutrin may help me lose weight. The lexapro put the pounds on. I just want to be skinny again. grrr.

Being LDS

I tutored three days last week. It was wonderful. Love working with J. J's mom was out of town till Friday.She was at her Grammy's all week. After J's mom came back I went over to her house to eat dinner, and just hang out. I spent the night since it was a drive. AS we were talking I realized she thought I had Mormon's in my family background. She always said the Mormon's saved me and they did. I was saved from making bad choices. My children also saved. This was 20 years ago. This time we talked about how it came about that I was converted to this Church. I told her my conversion story. She asked lots of questions about the Church beliefs. We watched The Testaments. Its a Church movie about the visit of Christ to the Americas. She knew a lot about it from her knowledge of art history. She feels that Christ did visit many on earth. She also has interest in the lost tribes.I had a wonderful time with all our discussions.
I haven't been able to express my beliefs to anyone in my family who is really interested in my Church. Maybe not to join but just interested as a curious person. . J's mom was getting what I was saying. It was nice. We are also very aware of each others tender times. We both have faced lots of adversity for the choices of others, and natural adversity that comes with living.

I had a great Sunday. We have a new Sunday School teacher. He is fantastic. We were learning much of the Church History. Next year will be the Old Testament. I'm looking forward to those classes.

Good day

Lots of tender mercies happening lately. I went to tutor J again today. She had a bad day at school. She works so hard at school. She also is a successful child who has been in a movie this summer. She hasn't much down time this summer. I decided she was not having the balance she needs. We went to her home and played tennis for twenty minutes to have some physical activity.She is staying at her Grandmothers while her Mother is out of town with her Dad. I'm going to tutor her again tomorrow. We will start out with tennis.
This job is really helping me. Tennis, learning, teaching. Good for my body and mind. Also J is easy to love. She is strong willed at times but my daughter is the queen of strong willed children so its normal behavior to me. I certainly have the skills and temperament to handle it.
Tonight when I got home the Deacons and Priests (12-14 year olds) from my Church were cleaning my yard. Good service project for them and a blessing for me. The yard looked so good. Better then a professional. I know I got emotional thanking them for coming over and doing this. There was a least twenty boys and about 10 adult leaders.
I've had lots of prayers answered lately. These prayers are from the beginning of summer. Just goes to show Prayers are answered in time. I really must be more patient and trusting in God's timing for answering prayers.
The anti'ds are also a blessing. Thankfully I live in a time that they are easily available. I don't like being on them too long. I like to feel emotion. That is just who I am.

Catch up

I had a good weekend. My friend took me to a movie. She was going with a couple of other laddies. she bought my ticket since I didn't have any money.So nice of her to do that. It was fun. We saw "All about Steve". The reviews were terrible so my expectations were low. The movie turned out to be very funny. I laughed so hard. I could relate to the awkward Sandra Bullock. It was a bit slow towards the end

Very nice Sunday as usual.
.
Yesterday I made tamales. Lots of work for little money. Its nice to have extra tamales in the fridge to eat.

I saw J last night. Helped her with a project for school. I was so happy to get payed for something that I enjoy. Teaching is definitely my niche. I'll be helping her again tonight. Last night I was so happy to have money, I filled up my cars gas tank. My heart was full of happiness for such a tender mercy of God.

Productive day. Wow

I started the anti ds two days ago. I'm taking a quarter tab a day. Lexapro works so quickly.
Yesterday I had the veins in my leg worked on. A jab of solution to kills the branches of veins attached to the large one we killed off with the light zap. I finally got to take off my support stocking I have to wear 24 hours after getting this done. Then I wear it during the day for seven days.I'm so glad my insurance payed for this. I know Obamacare will not pay for it.
Today I organized all my papers that was laying around on my furniture. I made files for them. I KNOW it must be the anti ds helping me focus on this chore. I'm very thankful for this.This is the last job I'd enjoy doing. I actually enjoyed this today.
I'm going to tutor J.... on Tuesday for a school project. Also thankful for this.

great night

I had a bad day, depression...I really think thats it. Began anti'ds...just half a tab.
Tonight I helped J with her homework. Got payed honorable tutor wages. Very happy indeed!! We then swam and then ate dinner. We also watched a movie.

Progressing downwards.....pull up

I had a terrible day. Very nervous. Leting everything get to me. Letting others negitive thoughts pull me down. I have a feeling it has a bit too do with my thyroid meds. Amour thyroid is not avalible at my low dose. Ony the higher one. Much higher. I talked my doctor into ordering it for me and I'm taking a quater pill which is twice as much as my usual dose. I looked online at hyperthyroidism and its my be what I'm feeling. I'm going to let it go for a couple of days then start back on the lowest dose.Today I felt like I was having a mini nervous breakdown. It was not pleasent at all. It was a waste of my time and thoughts. Mostly negitive and dark.
Tomorrow I'm going to do a turn around. I'll write about it later to see how my desire of this great day has turned around.
As I look at myself, I see myself evolving into someone better.As I loook back on who I was and challenges in my life, i do see a better, happier girl. I must stay on track. My list of dos is long but I must roll up my sleves and tackle my obsicals. I must go back to what works. That is pray, faith, work towards my goals, and what I can't do myself, I let God help me with the rest.

zapped

Unfortunately for me, I'm still somewhat fragile. Do I blame it on my past hep treatment? I don't know. I've had other trama in my life, and maybe those feelings flash back now and then. I find if something happens emotionally, it zaps me.My strength is gone immediately. My thoughts are not healthy when this happens. I am sensitive.I get sad. Negative people really bother me. Now that I've shared that, I'll go on to what I'm doing about it. I bought some good protein powder tonight. I spent a lot of money but needed to make sure I'm getting all my nutrients. Some days I don't even want to eat. This way I have something to make a healthy smoothie with.

I'm also going to write more on word documents when I get upset. Being a single women without a husband to have a sanity check with, the next best thing is to write out my feelings. Get them out of my head on paper. That way I'll do my own sanity check.

I'd be curious if others that went through this treatment are still fragile with their emotional health. I feel like the answer is yes since many I know are still on anti-ds.
I'm not but I toy with the idea to start them every so often.

Sunday

I got home late Sat. Didn't post. I had eggs for breakfast. I went to PV to see my cousin in law...ex cousin in law. We've been friends for almost thirty years. She is like a sister. I hung out at her home with her and her daughter. Also her daughters friend. We ate out then swam in her pool. Beautiful home under Camelback mountain. We caught up with lifes adventures. It was fantastic to see someone, talk to someone that knew me. Knows me deep. She was there at key points in my life. Like the time I almost died in surgery and had blood given to me. The tainted blood with hvc. She remembers when I became Mormon and how the Church saved me. Saved my children. She knew and loved my husband. She was there when he died. Honestly, I could write a mini series about this family. It would be fantastic, a dramatic series about two rival boarding schools. I have a difficult time telling anyone here in Mesa about my life. I have a lot of troubles no one knows about. Lots of sorrows. Serious ones, unexpressed ones. My friend feels the same.I have seen her through great trials.
My friends daughter is in a movie that is out now. She is amazing. Only eleven. She has also written a couple of childrens books. That is the nature of this family....they are strong willed and driven.
She was in a bind. Her tutor quit. I suggested I could be her tutor. I've been wanting to be a tutor for someone just like her. The only problem is the long drive. More difficult with gas being expensive. I'm just thankful to be needed and loved by someone that wants to help me out. Hopefully I can find another student in the area and do a couple of children each night I'm there.
Another friend that is assigned to help me with my needs stopped by. She showed me some jobs that were sent to her and asked which ones she can forward on to me. They were mostly unsuitable for me. She was unimpressed with my tutor offer pointing out it wouldn't pay all the bills. As if I couldn't figure that one out. I'm a math tutor. Maybe she thinks I'm a bad math tutor and can't add. I teared up and could not express my disappointment. My bubble burst.It took awhile to regain my composure.
It won't pay the bills but its a start. I can't survive with a extra dollar here or there. I need some pocket money. Helping a family member and them helping me is in the plan. I know it is. I know it will lead to other opportunities. And if it doesn't last it will be worth getting to know my friends daughter. This is family. She may be successful but she is vulnerable. I'm going enjoy getting to know her and helping her with her school work.

so far to go

I had a good day. Very tired from yesterday. Started out the morning with inspirational messages. That put me on a positive start. Eating was purposeful. I had cracked wheat with milk and sugar twice. Bad for the sugar but good for the cracked wheat. Wheat is the staff of life. I had a couple of oranges, bananas, strawberrys. I drank a natural fruit drink I made. Unfortunate for me that I ate toosie roll pops a few times through the day. If I can only get off sugar I'll be fine.
Tonight I've been having trouble. I'm gettting the all over body pain. I'm running a hot bath now. I've taken some pain meds. By the time I finish the bath I should be pain free and ready for bed.
I'm back on my Vitamen D but I'm running low on the calcium magnisium so only taking half dose or quarter dose each day this week. I had much less stress today so its not related to that. Only trial and error will fix this.
Even though I'm hurting I feel happy. I know its due to starting the day with prayer and good thoughts.

I didn't do what I intended

I made lots of errors today. Just so busy. It was tamale day. I forgot to pray...I mean with focus kneeling by my bed. I forgot to eat till late in the day. We made a mistake with the masa. It was ok but I needed the masa to be like it always is...so we had to start over. Had to buy some of the ingredients again. It was a mistake that cost us. We made 8.5 dozen today so it could have been a great day for income but it wasn't. I will not forget to pray tomorrow. It almost disturbs my spirit not to pray just like it disturbs my body not to eat. Its all connected. For example my attitude is worse when I forget to eat. Just like a nice prayer to start the day helps me stay in tune so I remember other things..... like eating.

Day 1 food journel

Woke up and said my prayers.
About ten I ate a pork tamale. a home made one that I'd frozen last week.
Bought a steak and bbq it. I ate half of it.
I felt like i needed protein.I feel better already.

I tried to see joe to have my car fixed. Didn't get over there do to his machanic working on another car.
Went to Fountain hills to see cousins wife. She had me to her home. She put hair shimmers in my hair and gave me some to sell.They are like tinsel for hair. Very cute.
Then went to pharmacy to get amor thyroid which found out they cant get my dosage so had to do some talking to drs office as I waited at pharmacy. They only oked eight pills which I'll cut into four each so that is 32 days.
I got orders for eight dozen tamales tomorrow.
I came home and had to fix this vacuum and hook it to the pool. I cleaned the pool.
When my son got home from school...grad school... he told me I looked like a little kid and I need to follow my passions and dreams instead of selling hair streamers.. Now he just came up to apologize for being harsh. I suppose he is right that I need to have a goal of what I want instead of sticking my resume in everywhere just to get any kind of job. But, it is a bad economy and we need to get what we can for jobs as we follow our dream. And I like the hair shimmers. I think lots of women will like them. They are like a boast to our moral during hard times. They are festive looking and fun.

Tonight i will have a cup of hot coco and go to bed. I may watch a movie on my lap top as I unwind. Tomorrow I'll figure out what my dream and passion is.

more work to do

If I want to be healthier I have to work harder at this. I must eat right, exercise, be spiritually in tune. Physical, emotional, spiritual is all related and intertwined. Its not easy to change old habits. My son started school yesterday to get his MBA. This is an international business school. A very good school known around the globe. One thing he was taught today was how to be healthy. To be in management of business it is important to be in the best health. He told me I did everything wrong and that is why I'm sick a lot. They learned that you are like a copy machine. A carbon copy of everything you put in your body. I have my job cut out for me. Years of eating and drinking junk.
I still make my drinks with sugar. I love sugar. I've given up the sodas. I've given up the chocolate bars. This is taking lots of discipline on my part. The payoff is very slow coming. That is what is difficult about this is, the slow process of gaining improved health. If I could see positive results right away, it would be easier. This will take much more faith on my part.
I'm looking forward to December when I'll be able to make orange juice and grapefruit juice from the citrus off the trees. Maybe then I'll substitute the fruit for the sugar drinks.
I've eaten out for a number of years. I'm already changing that part of my life. So many changes to make. Stress is high right now. My son did say stress is very bad for health.
I think I'll begin my food journal again. This will help me keep count of what I eat and pills I take. I think I'll add a spiritual journal with it. What I do to strengthen my spiritual muscles are just as important as food and exercise. I'm hoping in one year to see a measured difference.
I'll begin tomorrow.
1. improve diet
2. Improve exercise routine...daily stretching, and walking (i'm backing away from tennis and swimming at this time....tendinitis in my elbow and shoulder.)
3. Read Scriptures
4. Pray morning and night...First thing upon awaking and last thing before bed.

Wish me luck

Goodnight

Missed her again, With the Allens

Went to Doctor yesterday to have more work on my vein in the left leg. It was hurting in the upper area. He used a laptop ultrasound to see the inside and put injections in where the branches were coming off the large vein that he zapped and closed off last week.It was a interesting process. This is already helping the pain.
Although I am feeling like I have a lot on my plate. I decided to go to the Arizona Temple this morning and forget about the world. First I need to send in more resumes then I'll treat myself to peace and harmony.
Tonight I go to my friends sons wedding and reception. Last night I went with their family and my son to the dinner before the wedding. It was at Tia Rosa's. So good and it has a great Mexican atmosphere.This was held outside on the padio with lots of misters keeping it cool. My son is his best man. He did a very nice toast to the couple. No notes, no speech written up before hand. He has no fear and is good at this.
My daughter came through the airport yesterday on her way back to Utah from San Fransisco. She had a layover. I couldn't see her due to my doctors appointment, although her brother went with a group of her friends. Last weekend I had a chance to go to Utah to see her but couldn't because of another doctor appointment. She will be home for Thanksgiving. She needs to buckle down and study. I need to buckle down and find employment.
I am thankful my insurance covered this vein treatment. It will pay off in the years to come. Also, my legs will look better in a swim suit too. As if anyone sees me in one.

Name is changed. : )

Someone wanted me to change my blog name.She told me it was legally hers. She has made comments back to the beginning posts of my blog....Almost every post. I didn't read them till now. I didn't like the name anyway so this gave me the motivation to change it. So if you are reading this ...Aging Backwards" , you should feel must better that my two followers won't confuse my blog with your web page. I like Backwards...aging much better. Not so straight forward. Not really sure its the right name but it will do for now.

I had another vein treatment last week.This is for slightly veracious veins. My right leg is finished and looking and feeling great.The right one took five treatments altogether. Now my left one is in terrible pain. This was the long vein inside my leg. Forgot the name of it. The doctor puts a tiny long cathader down in my vein and then a light zaps the vein so it closes. This was the more difficult one. I had to wear a support stocking on my leg during the day all week. My next appointment is tomorrow. This time they will only use a syringe with some kind of medicine that will close the other veins. This procedure is preventive care so in the future I will not have a change for a blood clot in my leg. My right leg already feels noticeably better then my left leg. Less aches and lighter. Also my legs will look prettier.

Another current problem is the job search. I have a great resume now. Next I next to work on my interview skills. I want a good paying job that I'll enjoy. Even though the job market is bad, there are jobs. Just need to know where to look for them. I have some in mind. I think its ok that I haven't started yet due to my health.I'm not where I need to be quite yet.

distrations

I haven't written on here for a while. I'm still working hard on my health. I'm playing tennis, swimmine, walking. Any type of movement is good. I have been lazy about my food. I make the best salsa from fresh vegies. I had some chips and ate the whole bag in two days. The salsa is so good, its addicting.
My distraction has been the employment search. I finally have a very impressive resume. I have been working on paying bills. I made tamales for money. They are made with a friend from Oaxaca. They are very good. The money is barely enough for petrol. I have hope that I am healthy enough for full time work. Its not easy working so soon after treatment. Its been a year since tx. I had an offer to live with my friend in Mexico for six months. If I had a renter, I could do that.
I'm keeping that possibility open.

The economy is bad but there are lots of jobs out there. There are always ways to make money. We must have a positive attitude. Our President is not making it easy. I feel he may have a problem spending money. I think everday the congress is passing a bill spending, spending. President Obama goes on lavish trips, and has lavish parities at the whitehouse. I'm worried he could be a shopaholic in secret. Now he has other peoples money to do as he pleases. With a Democrat majority he can continue to do as he pleases. My Mexican friends daughter (only 14) was talking politics with me the other day. She told me Obama is ruining America. This little girl was so wise and not even an Ameican. She was smart enough to see what was going on.Why can't (so called smart white men from Ivy league schools) see what is going on. They are disconnected from the real world of real people.

Strange

Strange how this feels. Being broke, looking for work. In a way, it is great that I'm feeling good. I am only frustrated when a bill comes in. Right now I"m not too stressed. This won't last long. I have found out who my good good friends are. Its been a long time since I've been broke. That was in Texas and a different group of friends that rallied around me. I think its especially hard on me since I have no family. No mom, dad, siblings, aunts, uncles. I do have some cousins in other states. I also have a sister-in-law. I really have to just suck it up and be tough.
It would be nice to have someone to cry to. Someones arms to hold me. I'm a bit pass the age for wistful romantic notions.

Tender mercies

I will start by saying I was sore from tennis yesterday. I played against a ball machine. My friends daughter set it up for me in their court. I had a workout.Hard work day. Mostly cleaning the yard.
At two in the morning my son came home. I woke up and looked on my on-line bank account. I saw a auto check had come in. I knew I would get charged a fee since I had no money in my account. I asked my son for cash and he gave me what he could. Then I emailed a friend that was always awake at a early hour. I told her I needed help and call as soon as she read it. She called about four am. I told her I needed cash to take to the ATM machine. She was happy to help. I took it to the machine for a deposit. I looked on-line and I had a positive balance. Later in the morning I took my British currency to the bank. They deposited it. Then I was able to pay my friend almost all she let me borrow.
The last two nights have been very bad storms. My poor dog wouldn't stop barking at the noise till late. Today my pool cleaner was having trouble. The pool was so dirty. I cleaned and cleaned. I did more cleanup in the yard. I could see the pool was about to go green. I called a couple of friends looking for someone that cleaned their own pool. I needed shock and had no money to buy it. Finally got Rick Porter to come by with his son. He and his son fixed the cleaner. They will come again tomorrow to make sure all is good with the chemicals.
I'm so thankful for good friends. I didn't know I had them till I asked for help. Maybe its a good thing I needed help. It is showing me the goodness of my friends.

This is a poor me post

I'm so frustrated. I am broke and spend all my time switching money around. It was questionable if I could even get money for gas. I put in five dollars of gas this week. Its getting difficult. I'm looking for employment. I have been consuled by my Bishop not to sell my home (forced savings). I guess I can't be trusted to hang on to my cash. Its not because I'm a shopaholic but because I'm too generous when others ask for help. That is what has but me in this mess. My Bishop also mentioned how hard it is for singles since we don't have a spouse for a sanity check. Sometime he and his wife call to just check to see if they have things right. Sanity check....that makes sense. I could use a balance system like that.

My yard is big. Monsoons are here blowing wind each night, so I spend a couple of hours cleaning up the pine needles, the palm junk, and the oranges and grapefruit left over from last season that falls to the ground. I have 23 citrus trees. The pool is hard to clean since all this falls in it. Its so hot outside (115 degrees) so the pool needs lots of chemicals and care.
I bought some mini tootie roll pops and found a dollar for a bag laying around. I bet that I will not find any more change soon.
My son is living with me but he only helps when asked. I just want someone to notice and do it. Doesn't any one raise kids to make the world a better place around them. Oh I raised him. opps. He was frustrated doing yard work the other day. He wants the gardener back. Too bad. Its good to push around the lawn mower in 115 degree heat.

Also read somewhere that you can not reverse age. The article said you can slow it. I feel like I've reversed it. Maybe its because I had a serious illness for years. Also stopped drinking, smoking 23 years ago. I feel as good as I did when I was much younger. I was somewhat discouraged. I played tennis with a friend that hadn't played tennis for many years. She beat me even though I've been practicing each day. At least I felt like I was a good match for her. She was on her high school tennis team so many I didn't do so bad.

I do have faith I'll get a good job. That a miracle will happen. I'm so thankful for a good Bishop and counsulers that look after my welfare.

burns hurt

I went to play tennis this morning, then again in the afternoon. I forgot to change into my tennis shoes. I was already at the courts in my flip flops. They are about two inches high. I thought I might fall and break a ankle so I took them off and played bare foot for about ten minutes. I then realized my feet were buring. I put on my flip flops and played a while longer. As I went home my feet were burning so bad. ouch. I went home and swam, thinking that would cook them off. Still hurting. I put on silverden cream and bandages. This shows me that even someone my age can do stupid things. I don't know what I was thinking. I just thought it would really burn and I'd notice. But when you are running around the court, you don't know your feet are burning right away.So this time its a self inflicted problem.

Checking in

Still have not drank any soda. Have been playing tennis each day for thirty minutes. Not with a partner but a back board. It has improved my health. I can breath better. Had lots of problems with my lungs after treatment with interferon. Who would know exercise would cure it? I have better eye hand coordination, my thinking is clear. I can volley the ball for longer periods. This has made me very happy. I have also kept swimming each day for about thirty minutes.
I made some soup from the meat I cooked. I have eaten that as my main meal for the week. I have made horchata to drink. Also Jamacia to drink. Drinking lots of liquids...but not soda!!! Good for me. I never thought this day would happen.
Also have raised my armour thyroid to 30 mgs about two weeks ago. My body temperture is up to almost normal. One time it was normal 98.6. I'm feeling really good. I'm looking forward to writting in my blog that I've lost weight. Hope that will be soon. I'm not weighing myself but I'll know if my clothes get lose on me. This hasn't happened so far. I don't understand since I use to be a tiny thin woman till two years ago. I gained on purpose before starting my treatment. On treatment I didn't lose weight like I was suppose to.Thanks to some hints and tricks food continued to taste good to me. Now I'm not obese but I'm far from happily thin.

staying the course

No soda, only home made drinks. Horchata and jamacia. Played tennis three days in a row. Swam three days in a row. Doing yard work, catching up on reading scriptures. Doing family history on ancestry.com. Looking for jobs.My temperatures is rising up to a normal reading due to increase in my armour thyroid tablets. Hopefully my metabolism is rising and I'll start shedding pounds soon. I'm eating very little. Mostly some homemade soup I made with beef and vegetables.

whats with my birthday

Had doctor appointment today. Needed a B12 shot and prescription. As I went in with the nurse I was asked my age. I come there every month and its on my chart so whats the deal with that. Then as I went in to have my bloods taken at the same doctors office, the girl asked me my birthday. I lied even though I saw it on the paper she was looking at. It was in big letters, but she just had to ask to be rude. She said she'd have to ask the nurse since it was wrong. I got a call when I left from the doctor so it must have been about my birthday. Why don't they ask my name each time too. I've been with the same doctor for 12 years and I don't want to be asked my birthday or my age one more time. . Or maybe I'll tell them the name of my blog...aging backwards. Better yet, I'll just take a year off for each birthday that comes around, and tell them my new birthday year. Hope they don't think I'm going mad.

Making horchata with fruit

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Lolas-Horchata/Detail.aspx

This is so good. I'm making these each day instead of drinking soda. I didn't know how satisfied I'd be with anything but soda.
I do the recipe a little different then the one I put up here.

1 cup of rice in bowl or plastic dish to cover
2 cups of hot water
a few shakes of cinnamon powder. I've heard its even better with cinnamon sticks
I put a lid on this and let it sit for hours or even overnight

I think put it in a blender and blend it for about a minute
Strain it through a tight strainer or cheese cloth into a pitcher.
Add 2 teaspoons vanilla and sugar to taste
I cut up part of a cantaloupe and put it in. The horchata takes in the flavor. Can do this with other fruit. I'll edit this later with other fruits to use.
Pour into a glass of ice.

2ed day of ageing backwards

Its the second day of skipping the soda. I am amazed that I haven't noticed. Fist of all I have little money at this time. Also since hep-c treatment and post treatment I have felt what I put in my body. I'm beginning to want the best for my body. Although I still have a hamburger now and then, I'm basically eating at home, and eating simple meals.I've been making homemade horchata for my main drink. . Oh its so good. I'm liking it better then soda.

Its also the second day of exercise. I'm gong to keep track of this on my blogs. Yesterday I played tennis with my son. Its the fist time in about 28 years. It was fun even in 107 degree weather. I didn't last long in that heat. After tennis I can home and swam. Also swam today. Just a little but enough to call it exercise.

I'm contemplating selling my home and moving. My house is too big and expensive to care for. I need to downsize if I don't get a room mate.I'll be sad leaving my neighbors and my friends in Church. Although I'm sure I"ll make new friends at the ward (Church) where I'd move.

I have a few other things going on at the moment. One is job hunting. I'm working on a good resume and working on a "me in thirty seconds". The "me in thirty seconds" is hard for me. I'd rather be spontaneous. I've been looking on line at jobs I'd like and jobs I'm more qualified for. The jobs I want at long shots but possible with the right skills put on my resume. Then if I get an interview, maybe. And if I fail then I will have learned and will try again.

Lots going on but my first goal is to try to get my health on track, to age backwards. Thankful to have a second chance in life to experiment with healthy living.