three steps back

Last night I had my all over pain return. I woke in the night. My mind woke first and I was trying to scream...like a nightmare. I couldn't move. I tried to move but was frozen and I hurt all over. Lots of extreme pain. Its seems like a long time but I'm sure it was only about ten seconds. I shook myself awake. Jumped out of bed and immediately got some pain meds. I played backgammon on the computer till I felt the med take the edge off. I have been slowing down on my supplements. I had been thinking the thyroid fixed me and just slowed down on the others. So tonight I'm adding my supplements back in. I feel like every extra dollar I get goes to pills. Its better then it was last summer. I have some spare money in the bank, enough for gas and pills. And a "In and Out" hamburger now and then. I know struggles are good for us in the end. So here I am in the storm.
Tonight I'm desperate for relief. I may have to take a lyrica. Its a wonderful drug for the pain. The problem is in the morning I'll be dizzy till afternoon.
Its times like this that makes me wonder if I would feel better to have a husband sleeping next to me. When I was married a few years ago, I sleep well during that year. I felt safe. Who knew I was sleeping with the devil at the time. If you knew this person and his actions....you'd agree with this conclusion. I know God is the final judge. He will be accountable for his actions. That is worse then my health struggles. I'm really trying to have a good relationship with my children. During tx it was damaged by my personality changes from the drugs I was given. I'm so thankful that has been mended. Although it takes mending now and again throughout our lives. We all go through this. We want to love unconditionally and thats difficult at times. My personality is mostly back the way it was. I still have times of sensitivity like when I was on treatment. I can now recognize it and see it coming. I'm learning how to adjust my thought process when that happens. I have to see things in a positive way instead of getting ogged down in negative thinking. I think this happens to many after the hep c treatment. Its a wonder we make it through. We will survive and live through the storm to see the sunny days ahead. Its a matter of seeing the wonder of life and loving it.


Just need to add this.. My son just came in from a night out. I'm still up at 2:30 am. I told him about pain return. I told him about my mind waking last night before I could move. He told me he gets that time to time. Its a normal medical condition. Once you understand its normal you don't fight it and it won't frighten you. So thats helpful.
I took my lyrica. It should help me have a good pain free night of sleep. At least the lyrica nights are fewer and fewer then they were last summer. Its progress with three steps back now and then.