zapped

Unfortunately for me, I'm still somewhat fragile. Do I blame it on my past hep treatment? I don't know. I've had other trama in my life, and maybe those feelings flash back now and then. I find if something happens emotionally, it zaps me.My strength is gone immediately. My thoughts are not healthy when this happens. I am sensitive.I get sad. Negative people really bother me. Now that I've shared that, I'll go on to what I'm doing about it. I bought some good protein powder tonight. I spent a lot of money but needed to make sure I'm getting all my nutrients. Some days I don't even want to eat. This way I have something to make a healthy smoothie with.

I'm also going to write more on word documents when I get upset. Being a single women without a husband to have a sanity check with, the next best thing is to write out my feelings. Get them out of my head on paper. That way I'll do my own sanity check.

I'd be curious if others that went through this treatment are still fragile with their emotional health. I feel like the answer is yes since many I know are still on anti-ds.
I'm not but I toy with the idea to start them every so often.

Sunday

I got home late Sat. Didn't post. I had eggs for breakfast. I went to PV to see my cousin in law...ex cousin in law. We've been friends for almost thirty years. She is like a sister. I hung out at her home with her and her daughter. Also her daughters friend. We ate out then swam in her pool. Beautiful home under Camelback mountain. We caught up with lifes adventures. It was fantastic to see someone, talk to someone that knew me. Knows me deep. She was there at key points in my life. Like the time I almost died in surgery and had blood given to me. The tainted blood with hvc. She remembers when I became Mormon and how the Church saved me. Saved my children. She knew and loved my husband. She was there when he died. Honestly, I could write a mini series about this family. It would be fantastic, a dramatic series about two rival boarding schools. I have a difficult time telling anyone here in Mesa about my life. I have a lot of troubles no one knows about. Lots of sorrows. Serious ones, unexpressed ones. My friend feels the same.I have seen her through great trials.
My friends daughter is in a movie that is out now. She is amazing. Only eleven. She has also written a couple of childrens books. That is the nature of this family....they are strong willed and driven.
She was in a bind. Her tutor quit. I suggested I could be her tutor. I've been wanting to be a tutor for someone just like her. The only problem is the long drive. More difficult with gas being expensive. I'm just thankful to be needed and loved by someone that wants to help me out. Hopefully I can find another student in the area and do a couple of children each night I'm there.
Another friend that is assigned to help me with my needs stopped by. She showed me some jobs that were sent to her and asked which ones she can forward on to me. They were mostly unsuitable for me. She was unimpressed with my tutor offer pointing out it wouldn't pay all the bills. As if I couldn't figure that one out. I'm a math tutor. Maybe she thinks I'm a bad math tutor and can't add. I teared up and could not express my disappointment. My bubble burst.It took awhile to regain my composure.
It won't pay the bills but its a start. I can't survive with a extra dollar here or there. I need some pocket money. Helping a family member and them helping me is in the plan. I know it is. I know it will lead to other opportunities. And if it doesn't last it will be worth getting to know my friends daughter. This is family. She may be successful but she is vulnerable. I'm going enjoy getting to know her and helping her with her school work.

so far to go

I had a good day. Very tired from yesterday. Started out the morning with inspirational messages. That put me on a positive start. Eating was purposeful. I had cracked wheat with milk and sugar twice. Bad for the sugar but good for the cracked wheat. Wheat is the staff of life. I had a couple of oranges, bananas, strawberrys. I drank a natural fruit drink I made. Unfortunate for me that I ate toosie roll pops a few times through the day. If I can only get off sugar I'll be fine.
Tonight I've been having trouble. I'm gettting the all over body pain. I'm running a hot bath now. I've taken some pain meds. By the time I finish the bath I should be pain free and ready for bed.
I'm back on my Vitamen D but I'm running low on the calcium magnisium so only taking half dose or quarter dose each day this week. I had much less stress today so its not related to that. Only trial and error will fix this.
Even though I'm hurting I feel happy. I know its due to starting the day with prayer and good thoughts.

I didn't do what I intended

I made lots of errors today. Just so busy. It was tamale day. I forgot to pray...I mean with focus kneeling by my bed. I forgot to eat till late in the day. We made a mistake with the masa. It was ok but I needed the masa to be like it always is...so we had to start over. Had to buy some of the ingredients again. It was a mistake that cost us. We made 8.5 dozen today so it could have been a great day for income but it wasn't. I will not forget to pray tomorrow. It almost disturbs my spirit not to pray just like it disturbs my body not to eat. Its all connected. For example my attitude is worse when I forget to eat. Just like a nice prayer to start the day helps me stay in tune so I remember other things..... like eating.

Day 1 food journel

Woke up and said my prayers.
About ten I ate a pork tamale. a home made one that I'd frozen last week.
Bought a steak and bbq it. I ate half of it.
I felt like i needed protein.I feel better already.

I tried to see joe to have my car fixed. Didn't get over there do to his machanic working on another car.
Went to Fountain hills to see cousins wife. She had me to her home. She put hair shimmers in my hair and gave me some to sell.They are like tinsel for hair. Very cute.
Then went to pharmacy to get amor thyroid which found out they cant get my dosage so had to do some talking to drs office as I waited at pharmacy. They only oked eight pills which I'll cut into four each so that is 32 days.
I got orders for eight dozen tamales tomorrow.
I came home and had to fix this vacuum and hook it to the pool. I cleaned the pool.
When my son got home from school...grad school... he told me I looked like a little kid and I need to follow my passions and dreams instead of selling hair streamers.. Now he just came up to apologize for being harsh. I suppose he is right that I need to have a goal of what I want instead of sticking my resume in everywhere just to get any kind of job. But, it is a bad economy and we need to get what we can for jobs as we follow our dream. And I like the hair shimmers. I think lots of women will like them. They are like a boast to our moral during hard times. They are festive looking and fun.

Tonight i will have a cup of hot coco and go to bed. I may watch a movie on my lap top as I unwind. Tomorrow I'll figure out what my dream and passion is.

more work to do

If I want to be healthier I have to work harder at this. I must eat right, exercise, be spiritually in tune. Physical, emotional, spiritual is all related and intertwined. Its not easy to change old habits. My son started school yesterday to get his MBA. This is an international business school. A very good school known around the globe. One thing he was taught today was how to be healthy. To be in management of business it is important to be in the best health. He told me I did everything wrong and that is why I'm sick a lot. They learned that you are like a copy machine. A carbon copy of everything you put in your body. I have my job cut out for me. Years of eating and drinking junk.
I still make my drinks with sugar. I love sugar. I've given up the sodas. I've given up the chocolate bars. This is taking lots of discipline on my part. The payoff is very slow coming. That is what is difficult about this is, the slow process of gaining improved health. If I could see positive results right away, it would be easier. This will take much more faith on my part.
I'm looking forward to December when I'll be able to make orange juice and grapefruit juice from the citrus off the trees. Maybe then I'll substitute the fruit for the sugar drinks.
I've eaten out for a number of years. I'm already changing that part of my life. So many changes to make. Stress is high right now. My son did say stress is very bad for health.
I think I'll begin my food journal again. This will help me keep count of what I eat and pills I take. I think I'll add a spiritual journal with it. What I do to strengthen my spiritual muscles are just as important as food and exercise. I'm hoping in one year to see a measured difference.
I'll begin tomorrow.
1. improve diet
2. Improve exercise routine...daily stretching, and walking (i'm backing away from tennis and swimming at this time....tendinitis in my elbow and shoulder.)
3. Read Scriptures
4. Pray morning and night...First thing upon awaking and last thing before bed.

Wish me luck

Goodnight

Missed her again, With the Allens

Went to Doctor yesterday to have more work on my vein in the left leg. It was hurting in the upper area. He used a laptop ultrasound to see the inside and put injections in where the branches were coming off the large vein that he zapped and closed off last week.It was a interesting process. This is already helping the pain.
Although I am feeling like I have a lot on my plate. I decided to go to the Arizona Temple this morning and forget about the world. First I need to send in more resumes then I'll treat myself to peace and harmony.
Tonight I go to my friends sons wedding and reception. Last night I went with their family and my son to the dinner before the wedding. It was at Tia Rosa's. So good and it has a great Mexican atmosphere.This was held outside on the padio with lots of misters keeping it cool. My son is his best man. He did a very nice toast to the couple. No notes, no speech written up before hand. He has no fear and is good at this.
My daughter came through the airport yesterday on her way back to Utah from San Fransisco. She had a layover. I couldn't see her due to my doctors appointment, although her brother went with a group of her friends. Last weekend I had a chance to go to Utah to see her but couldn't because of another doctor appointment. She will be home for Thanksgiving. She needs to buckle down and study. I need to buckle down and find employment.
I am thankful my insurance covered this vein treatment. It will pay off in the years to come. Also, my legs will look better in a swim suit too. As if anyone sees me in one.

Name is changed. : )

Someone wanted me to change my blog name.She told me it was legally hers. She has made comments back to the beginning posts of my blog....Almost every post. I didn't read them till now. I didn't like the name anyway so this gave me the motivation to change it. So if you are reading this ...Aging Backwards" , you should feel must better that my two followers won't confuse my blog with your web page. I like Backwards...aging much better. Not so straight forward. Not really sure its the right name but it will do for now.

I had another vein treatment last week.This is for slightly veracious veins. My right leg is finished and looking and feeling great.The right one took five treatments altogether. Now my left one is in terrible pain. This was the long vein inside my leg. Forgot the name of it. The doctor puts a tiny long cathader down in my vein and then a light zaps the vein so it closes. This was the more difficult one. I had to wear a support stocking on my leg during the day all week. My next appointment is tomorrow. This time they will only use a syringe with some kind of medicine that will close the other veins. This procedure is preventive care so in the future I will not have a change for a blood clot in my leg. My right leg already feels noticeably better then my left leg. Less aches and lighter. Also my legs will look prettier.

Another current problem is the job search. I have a great resume now. Next I next to work on my interview skills. I want a good paying job that I'll enjoy. Even though the job market is bad, there are jobs. Just need to know where to look for them. I have some in mind. I think its ok that I haven't started yet due to my health.I'm not where I need to be quite yet.

distrations

I haven't written on here for a while. I'm still working hard on my health. I'm playing tennis, swimmine, walking. Any type of movement is good. I have been lazy about my food. I make the best salsa from fresh vegies. I had some chips and ate the whole bag in two days. The salsa is so good, its addicting.
My distraction has been the employment search. I finally have a very impressive resume. I have been working on paying bills. I made tamales for money. They are made with a friend from Oaxaca. They are very good. The money is barely enough for petrol. I have hope that I am healthy enough for full time work. Its not easy working so soon after treatment. Its been a year since tx. I had an offer to live with my friend in Mexico for six months. If I had a renter, I could do that.
I'm keeping that possibility open.

The economy is bad but there are lots of jobs out there. There are always ways to make money. We must have a positive attitude. Our President is not making it easy. I feel he may have a problem spending money. I think everday the congress is passing a bill spending, spending. President Obama goes on lavish trips, and has lavish parities at the whitehouse. I'm worried he could be a shopaholic in secret. Now he has other peoples money to do as he pleases. With a Democrat majority he can continue to do as he pleases. My Mexican friends daughter (only 14) was talking politics with me the other day. She told me Obama is ruining America. This little girl was so wise and not even an Ameican. She was smart enough to see what was going on.Why can't (so called smart white men from Ivy league schools) see what is going on. They are disconnected from the real world of real people.