Holidays

Had a birthday. Saw Avatar.Christmas eve was very nice. I played a game to see what everyones favorite traditions were. We then added a new one of reading the Christmas story out of the Bible. We read it at Church but it was nice reading it together as a family. Christmas dinner at J Ls Thirty five people including this interesting family from Ireland. Afterward the kids and I went to Sherlock Holmes. That is a new favorite of mine. I will be seeing it for my third time tomorrow. I'm fascinated with this movie.

My favorite moment leading up to Christmas was the night the young adults came to sing Christmas Carols to me. My son and his girlfriend was in the group. They were being pulled around in a wagon by the Church leaders in their car. Then I was presented with a poinsettia Christmas flower. The spirit of Christmas was with me. Sweet.

i won't take this for granted

I tutored today. All went well. These evening I went to the Relief Society Christmas Party. Its the women's group for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints. Some people call us Mormons. I myself thought Mormons were the name of the church till I started going to this Church. The party was fun. About one hundred people there. They gave us dinner. Cordon Bleu Chicken. Also peppermint ice cream with fudge. Cindy Standage's band played for us. She is getting quite famous now. She is always in a show somewhere. I was most happy when she played Silent Night at the end and we all sang along. I think I could be going to something almost every night sponsored by my Church. Its a busy place. Its saved me. I was alone so much during my illness that I was starting to be fearful of people. But now I'm beginning to find myself loving others. And serving others. And most importantly letting others serve me.
Tonight I was able to get C. a couple of presents. One is for his birthday on Friday. Same birthday as me. : )
I got him a Bible for his birthday. He's been interested in the King James version of the Bible. We have been looking up passages on line. He will like it. For a Christmas present I bought him the book "German in Twenty Minutes A Day". He wants to learn German since his ancestors are from German and Prussia. We checked out Russian but he decided German was easier. J. wants to go to Paris in January so I'm going to get her "French in Twenty Minutes A Day". I have Spanish in twenty minutes a Day. Its a well planned out program to learn the basics of a language.

Rewarding

I tutored J. for a couple of hours today by skype. I had a couple of hours break. Then I tutored C. for another two hours. It was intense. Also rewarding. Two months ago I could never have imagined that I could work with this intensity. I'm feeling very grateful.

Good thing didn't last

I had to teach the Sunday School lesson today. I didn't prepare too well yesterday so I didn't sleep at all last night. I forced myself up and prepared for the lesson. I had to make some dough for them to make a object out of. I had them each make the most precious object they had and then Had them come up in front of the class and show it to all of us. I then asked if i could borrow or play with the object. I then destroyed it or hide it while telling them I lost it. The point of the lesson was how we feel bad if others mistreat or steal things of ours. That is why we don't do it to others. It was fun with lots of laughing and drama. We then went to sharing time. That is the hour we do lots of singing with the other classes. I was surprised when they called me up to sing happy birthday to me. I forgot its almost here.
I went home and almost crawled back into bed. The Bishop's Counselor "and friend" came by with his three little children to sing a Christmas song to me. He gave me a Christmas card that had gift cards inside. I didn't open it till he left. I'm so thankful. I feel so blessed.
Then at seven I went to Debbies for dinner. There were lots of families there from Oaxaca Mexico. Good food, good company. After dinner, we all sang around the piano. The son is fantastic. He told me he has youtube vidos. I'll have to look it up later. He is like a concert pianist. Also his brother played violin. It was so beautiful. We all sang "I am a Child Of God" in Spanish to Ruben and Rosario. I just hummed along since I didn't have a hymn book in Spanish.
Its late and I hope I can sleep well tonight. Goodnite

Thurs

I was kinda lazy today. I did tutor a student that lives by my home. Only an hour.After the session I visited with the family. I became better friends with her Mother. She is mother of four. She fed me dinner. It was a yummy hamburger. She had delicious asparagus she grilled. And a squash dish. All was so good.
I had another night of not being interrupted and waking. How nice is that? Very nice. Still have the breathing issue. I breath and breath then I just breath very hard like I'm trying to catch my breath. Its very strange. I've had some serious problems this last year. I've fixed most of them. I know what to do for them all. Finally moving on. This breathing issue is the last one I have to fix. Hurray!
I'm finally learning to love what I have and be happy.

end of day

I taught J. by skype. It went well. I went to Walmart and got dry erase markers for my white board. It was so simple. I could do this every day. Thinking of going to Texas to see my doctor. Now I can work while I'm away.
Now I'm going to try to sleep. Lets see if I sleep through the night again. Last night was weird ...in a good way..of course.

Slept well?

I woke up and noticed immediately I had been asleep through out the night. What is this? Could this be what humans call a nights sleep?By the way...I am human. I'm also feeling well rested. Very foreign feeling for me. I don't know how to react to normalness.It is weird but kinda nice. I could get use to this. Yes. Its very nice.
J. will skype me this afternoon for a math lesson. This should be interesting. Teaching online is becoming the new trend. If I can swing it I can have students from anywhere. Even other planets. Oh maybe not that. Not yet.

Things are looking up

Had a hard time sleeping like usual. Not comfortable....thats all.Everynight I feel like I have been in a bad car accident and all my muscles are feeling it. I have been in lots of car crashes so I know the feeling well. I feel embarrassed that I'm having such a difficult time. I know their are others that might now even have a bed that are sick. I'm going to start my new year ...and I mean starting now....becoming more grateful. Even at times of adversary. Life is short and I must do all I can. Its easier saying this now that the headache from hell is gone. I suffer from migranes time to time but this one was different and really terrible. And my usual pill cocktail didn't touch it. I now believe it was a sinus headache. I finally discovered drinking hot herbal sleep type tea and taking a hot bath helped the most. Today its completely gone along with the rain.

The sun was out this morning. The air was cold. I tried to eat outside but couldn't do it. Too cold. What a baby I am.I was going to tutor my new student today. Then J called and needed math help. Since she was in California, we skyped. It was so fun to see her and help her with her math. I saw her mother (she is like a sister to me) I asked her to sing me a couple of lines from Oliver ...the play she is in this week. It was darling. "Consider yourself...party of the Family....da da da" We will be having a learning session tomorrow afternoon. Also C. called and needed me. I went to his home after my other student that was originally scheduled. So I had all three of them today. Wow. No problem. Thankful that I can preform my teaching. My memory is coming back. My mind is getting sharper and clearer. Now if my body could also function better. One thing at a time. Oops...I was trying not to complain anymore.
Although I wasn't really complaining. Just wishing and hopeing. Future is bright.

Today, rainy Monday

Its been raining all day. So unusual for Phoenix. So its feeling like Christmas without snow. I woke up with very bad headache. The same one I'd had since Sunday.I did everything I could. The hot herbal tea helped the most. I can to the conclusion it was a sinus headache. When I got to C house to tutor, his mom said she and C. had the same headache. He was trying to hurry to a Christmas concert he was in. He wanted me to go to the concert so I went for part of it. It was nice visiting with C. mom before concert started. I then went to a Church gathering where they were exchanging very funny presents. Everyone brought a gift and picked a number to find the gift for them. I ended up getting a couple of gifts at the end from others that didn't want theirs. So I ended up with two candy dishes, one Christmas dishrag, a box of candy.
I'm trying to sleep now. I couldn't My throat is sore, my ears hurt, and I feel like I've been hit by a train. Although the headache is at bay. Why can't I just feel healthy and fall asleep one night. Oh the joy that would bring. I had a terrible night last night with that headache from hell. Ice, hot bath, I tried it all. Now I have no headache, but other places hurt. I feel like I need to be in a hospital at times. A nice hospital with a private room.
It looks like it may turn into a sunny day tomorrow. I will post if my pain is better when I get sun. I've been forgetting my vitamen D from time to time. I need to stay consistent.

Sunday yes!

This morning I still felt frustrated. I got myself up. Had a cup of sleepytime tea while taking a hot bath. It calmed me. I had a headache from the night before. Lucky that Cheryl was teaching our Sunday School class today, so I didn't have to prepare the lesson. I got myself ready.When I got to Church they were blessing a baby so I wasn't late for sacrament. I sat by Polly and Brad. The first Sunday of every month is fast and testimony meeting. Everyone is invited to give their testimony. I had decided last night to give mine. Polly wanted to give hers also. Polly has trouble walking. She is older and has had health issues. We both gave our testimonies. I wanted everyone to know how a miracle happened to me. After the death of my husband 24years ago, I had a difficult time on Christmas. My family was broken. I didn't like to go shopping for presents.All I saw were happy couples shopping. My heart was broken. I was taking the gospel lessons from the missionaries during this period. Just before Christmas a knock was at the door. It was the young girls from the Church. The teenage girls. They were with some adult women leaders. they wanted to come in and sing to me. They came in with food for my Christmas dinner.They sang carols to me and my children. That was like a magical moment of time. I saw them as angels. I felt their love. It transformed my way of thinking of Christmas. I was no longer a young widow but I was a young widow loved by my Father in Heaven. Christmas has since been a time of recognizing where I came from and appreciating the Saviors birth. Knowing I can once again live with my Heavenly Father someday. It was a transformation for my spirit at that time. I was never again sad at Christmas. Now I love the season. Thinking of that moment still touches my heart to this day.

After the testimonies of the other (which were very good), I went to the Sunday School Class I teach with Cheryl. I just sat among the kids (8year olds) and listened to the lesson. It was a remarkable lesson and meant for me. It amazes me how much I learn each Sunday. It edifies my soul to make it to the next Sunday. I think I appreciate it more then others since I didn't attend Church for many many years till I attended the LDS Church. I never missed another Sunday since, even when traveling I always look up the LDS Church where I am and attend. I remember the first day I came to the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" Sunday meeting with my little children. The three of us felt the spirit. The children told me in their own way. I went to the meetings for over a year before I became a member. I wanted to make sure this was right and good. I have never been disappointed in my decision and my extended family have also been supportive of this even though they themselves are not members.
As I came home today, . my son was getting ready for his Church meetings. Still the LDS church but, he attends the singles ward for young adults. I said hi with a sheepish smile. he did the same. we gave each other a hug. I told him I loved him. He did the same. Last night was only had a misunderstanding. That seems to always be the case. I wish now that I hadn't become so upset and emotional. Oh well. It happens to the best of us sometimes. We all make mistakes. Forgive quickly is the key.

Hope

I had a good morning at the pancake Christmas breakfast. helped serve and visit. I thought i had a productive day. I wanted so badly to do something fun.The afternoon was quiet. I don't want to feel so lonely. I went to get some food. I didn't go to a movie. I really wanted to be around people. Called a couple of friends. Didn't work out to do something with them.
My son and I had a argument. He thinks I eat badly and that why I'm sick. I think I limit my sweets, no smoking or drinking alcohol. Not good enough. That brought my mood down to below zero. I cried quite a bit.
Feeling fat, feeling sick, feeling hopeless, feeling very lonely.
Then remembering I'm a daughter of God, feeling more attractive, feeling hopeful, feeling loved by God.
Remembering others are not perfect, we must continue to love others even we are feelings are hurt.
We must not give up hope. Hope is the perfect love of Christ.

three steps back

Last night I had my all over pain return. I woke in the night. My mind woke first and I was trying to scream...like a nightmare. I couldn't move. I tried to move but was frozen and I hurt all over. Lots of extreme pain. Its seems like a long time but I'm sure it was only about ten seconds. I shook myself awake. Jumped out of bed and immediately got some pain meds. I played backgammon on the computer till I felt the med take the edge off. I have been slowing down on my supplements. I had been thinking the thyroid fixed me and just slowed down on the others. So tonight I'm adding my supplements back in. I feel like every extra dollar I get goes to pills. Its better then it was last summer. I have some spare money in the bank, enough for gas and pills. And a "In and Out" hamburger now and then. I know struggles are good for us in the end. So here I am in the storm.
Tonight I'm desperate for relief. I may have to take a lyrica. Its a wonderful drug for the pain. The problem is in the morning I'll be dizzy till afternoon.
Its times like this that makes me wonder if I would feel better to have a husband sleeping next to me. When I was married a few years ago, I sleep well during that year. I felt safe. Who knew I was sleeping with the devil at the time. If you knew this person and his actions....you'd agree with this conclusion. I know God is the final judge. He will be accountable for his actions. That is worse then my health struggles. I'm really trying to have a good relationship with my children. During tx it was damaged by my personality changes from the drugs I was given. I'm so thankful that has been mended. Although it takes mending now and again throughout our lives. We all go through this. We want to love unconditionally and thats difficult at times. My personality is mostly back the way it was. I still have times of sensitivity like when I was on treatment. I can now recognize it and see it coming. I'm learning how to adjust my thought process when that happens. I have to see things in a positive way instead of getting ogged down in negative thinking. I think this happens to many after the hep c treatment. Its a wonder we make it through. We will survive and live through the storm to see the sunny days ahead. Its a matter of seeing the wonder of life and loving it.


Just need to add this.. My son just came in from a night out. I'm still up at 2:30 am. I told him about pain return. I told him about my mind waking last night before I could move. He told me he gets that time to time. Its a normal medical condition. Once you understand its normal you don't fight it and it won't frighten you. So thats helpful.
I took my lyrica. It should help me have a good pain free night of sleep. At least the lyrica nights are fewer and fewer then they were last summer. Its progress with three steps back now and then.

slowly improving

I have another student. So that makes three nights a weeks. Its amazing how my mind is thinking clearly. How I love teaching. My other student is still in California doing rehearsals. I would love to see the musical she's in. She is artful Dodger in Oliver. I'm working on finding a way to get there. My son may be able to get away for a night to drive me there....five hour drive. We'd see the play and drive back the next day. I don't know when she'll be my student again. When she will be back in Arizona. Hopefully soon. She may be hosting a children's tv show. She has talent and the drive. She will be doing many projects.
C is a wonderful student. He is so smart. He is a genius in history, governments, understanding current events. His Dad is running for political office. I expect him to win. Very nice family.
My new student is a girl. I was a bit nervous first meeting her. I was prayerful before I got to her home. The game I found on line was perfect for her. She is fun and happy. She is having some trouble with math, but I see potential to do well with a little extra help.
I know eventually I will need more work or a different job.A full time job. Right now with my health concerns, this is perfect. I'm praying that I'll get my strength back.
I'm leaning towards doing educational evaluation and consulting.

I'm still weak but gaining strength. I'm hoping the thyroid meds will continue to help me. Right now, I'm grateful. A month ago I couldn't get out of bed till afternoon. Now I can get up in the morning. How can these little pills help so much? I've come to love these pills and will never go without again.